Sleep, Eat, Repeat
Hello Online friends.
As this corona virus situation keeps going I see many posts from people saying how they are experiencing feelings of grief, overwhelm, lethargy and no motivation at all. They say they always had this list of things they wanted to accomplish but never the time to do it. Now all they have is time and still they can’t seem to do anything at all. I really get this and am experiencing the same thing.
This morning was no different. I woke up with some heavy energy from dreaming pretty hard, not bad dreams just strong ones so I had a hard time transitioning out of them into the waking world. Eventually I got frustrated and sad because I just can’t seem to make any headway on the things I feel I need to do. So I plunked myself down and did a Shamanic Journey (see the bottom of the post for an explanation if you don’t know what that is) and was shown that part of what I “NEED” to do is stop doing. It’s not like what I want to do is bad or wrong or not in alignment with me, my higher self or my future. What I was being invited to look at (yet again) were the motivations and desires behind the doing. I am understanding on a deeper level that almost everything I do is from some need inside me to be better, do better, to “take charge” of my life (control), to loose myself in busy activity and plan for the future. That there is some fundamental part of me that is not enough right here, right now. It is perfectly fine and normal to have wants and desires and to engage in activity. This is encouraged and part of life.
The key is to approach these things from a place of curiosity, fun, play and the enrichment of my life. Not from the place of need because who/what/where I am is not good enough and I need more. Allow the beauty and love of who I am right now to be enough. Understand I am loved and wonderful and worth honoring and celebrating. Then go forth from that point and follow my joy.
This is severely simplifying the agonizingly long amount of time and processing that it has taken for me to come to this understanding. It has been many years of slowly uncovering this concept layer by layer. It’s like tiny little microscopic organisms have been very slowly eating away at the foundations of my house. I think I have a solid base to build on but with each additional room I add something doesn’t feel quite right. I investigate and start to see the evidence of these microscopic bugs. After doing a bunch of work eradicating and spraying I think I’ve dealt with the problem and am ready to add on another room. The pattern however, repeats itself until I am forced to stop building altogether. I have to climb in the basement, sit quietly and wait for the bugs to show themselves so I can grasp the full nature of the infestation and how to deal with it.
So today I had to head into the basement and allow for yet another layer of understanding about the bugs in my basement. I had plans to finish a blog post that I had started which was a continuation of the last post. I was going to offer you activities to move through any sadness or grief that was just getting to be too much. I do believe that intense emotions can get stuck and eventually turn into a depression or lethargy. I have some wonderful creative tools to address this, which I was happily going to share with you. However instead I am seeing yet again that it is generally in the quiet, still, vulnerable, and honest contemplation that I am truly able to understand what’s really going on. To see what’s really underneath the depression and lethargy.
I know for myself that the vast majority of issues I’ve had to work through in my life are based in the fundamental, dare I say core belief that I was not enough. I am realizing that until I can really live from a place of truly loving and doting on myself the way a parent would their child I will find myself in some degree of struggle. That is not to say that my life is or has been one big struggle. I’ve had a ton of fun and a tremendous amount of magical wonderfulness that has and is coming to me. And with that said there is still some sort of belief in the need for me to keep doing and changing and moving because fundamentally I am not enough just as I am right now. I still think there are times to not just sit and contemplate but to actually do and move the emotions and feeling through but based on how things are today, this is not that day. So instead I offer you this post and trust that there will be something in it for you too or I wouldn’t have had such a hard time finishing the other post and been given the gift of what I was shown this morning. My hope is one of these days I’ll consistently get out of my own way and truly let Spirit in completely. Finally let go of the illusion that I am in control, just love me, truly love me and let go.
Did you all catch that!!!???
Right there in the self-deprecating statements is the belief that I am doing something wrong. Geeeezzzzeee!!! It’s insidious!
Instead of editing that part out I will leave it as is. I feel in my bones that to some degree we all do this and it is part of why we are all in an enforced down time right now. I won’t elaborate on this theory but trust you all will draw your own conclusions, probably different for everyone. I just think there is something about this “not enough-ness” that needs to be felt into on a global scale.
I believe in the tradition that all earth’s creatures have messages for us if we listen, they offer gifts or teachings that help us in our lives. I heard someone say they had looked up bats as it pertained to the corona virus and what the message was. It hit me like a brick wall.
As I understand it the corona virus originated from a bat in one of the horrific wet markets in China. The message of bat is of the need for a ritualistic death of a life or a way of being that no longer suits us. The bat hangs upside down in the dark cave like a baby in the womb preparing for birth. We must die to our old ways, to exist right now in the dark cave of the unknown, not doing but simply trusting and allowing for our rebirth. The death can be hard and feel scary like a traditional “dark night of the soul” where all our fears confront us. We can freak out and intensify and prolong the discomfort or we can breathe and let go. This is a rite of passage for the emergence from our dark cave into the light of our new life, our new way of being. This feels right for where I am right now as well as where I think we as humanity find ourselves.
Things may be quiet on the surface in my life and that of the world but I think there is a lot going on underneath. I have great hope my friends. What’s more though is I have great trust, trust that I am fine even when I don’t fully get that. I believe we are all fine and are in a beautiful transformational process, the process of life and all is well even when it doesn’t feel that way. I am good and so are you.
Such love and gratitude to and for you my friends…