Hello Online Friends,
Last week was my birthday and so it feels like the time is right for me to start putting my writing and thoughts out there more. I’ve been working on several books that I’m delighted with and will talk about later. For now I will just set the stage by bringing you up to date with what’s happening in my life and through that some offerings for everyone in this momentous time of transition. So towards that end I am resurrecting my blog as the place to go for all I have to offer. Face Book and Instagram will just provide links to the blog or show my regular posts of feel good images.
Much has happened in the last few weeks both for me and for the world. I keep looking for my seat belt but I can’t seem to find it! Oh well I am hanging on as best I can… So jumping right in… five weeks ago my sweetheart told me he didn’t want to be in relationship with me anymore. Then two weeks later the corona virus exploded and like so many of you I found myself with out work and in isolation. I say these things not to garner sympathy and support or beat up on my sweetheart (there are always two sides and I will always love him), but more as an introduction into where I find myself now. I also wanted to share a bit about my process hoping it might be of value if you too are struggling or in fear or grief.
So for the last several weeks I have been grieving deeply, cocooning and hibernating in my beautiful Gypsy wagon home. I am very fortunate that I have a place where I feel safe and supported. I find that I am super sensitive right now so I have needed to be quiet, to go offline and just breathe. That’s why I haven’t posted anything lately. Whenever life sends me serious curve balls I have discovered that I really need to pull in, waaay in and become a hermit. It is only in solitude, nature and quiet that I can find my center again.
I think that in general my basic disposition is that of happiness so for most of my life I have found it challenging to hang out in fear and sadness for too long. I am a doer by nature and so I can easily find myself frantically searching for what I need to “do” or “fix” or “work on”. I now understand this was an effort to make the pain go away. I told myself this was the path towards growing and learning, really digging into the situation to understand, fix things and make sure I don’t repeat any dysfunctional patterns. My old way was to try so hard to be a good girl and do the right thing that I didn’t allow myself to simply experience whatever I was feeling. Instead, with out meaning to, I stuffed it deeper inside. I have since discovered this actually prolonged the uncomfortable feelings at the time and then on future occasions of grief or fear only made them more intense. Ironic considering I was trying to do the right thing at the time.
Three years ago during another time of transition for me, everything suddenly shifted and I was forced to change my entire life. Chief among this was the need to find a new place to live very quickly. It was easy to throw myself into the manic activity of fixing the dilapidated trailer that was to become my home, selling my business, moving and generally transforming every aspect of my life, I didn’t have a choice in the matter. This time around there is absolutely nothing that I need or even CAN do. I can’t go to work, I can’t be with friends and I don’t have TV as I have learned the media just stirs up fear for me. I can’t go out or distract myself with much of anything. Fortunately I have the great blessing of my beautiful gypsy wagon home all ready to wrap me up in its colorful embrace. It took quite a bit to realize that I wasn’t missing something, that I didn’t need to do anything to ensure my survival like before (besides apply for unemployment and food stamps). So instead I have unplugged completely, stayed in my PJ's and cried, slept, wrote, ate, snuggled with my cats, drank tea and generally hung out in those very uncomfortable emotions. Ironically in the not trying to fix me I have found a lot of peace and understanding.
I am also learning there is a beautiful level of respect and honoring in allowing myself to have my feelings. I am human and it is normal for me to have a full range of emotions. I don’t need to be anything else. I am fine and good and of value simply because I exist. I am not broken; I am ok right now feeling whatever I am feeling, just because I am feeling it. This acceptance is helping me to heal.
When I originally created my beautiful gypsy wagon home I had to do a lot quickly to simply to ensure my survival. It took several months before I could calm down and allow myself to grieve. This time around I went right there. It has been a great blessing. Occasionally I will find myself propelled out of my chair almost like I’ve been stung by a bee because surly I must “do” something! Then I take a deep breath and sit back down and allow whatever needs to come up to do so.
I still include a physical activity of some kind so I don’t end up slitting my wrists. A daily walk in nature helps to bring perspective as well as fresh air into my lungs. Nesting in my home, and keeping the place relatively neat is helpful. I also spend a lot of time writing and creating as that is who I am by nature. I will share in several more posts some creative projects that might be of service in processing whatever is going on for you. I will also offer lots of activities that entire families can do, children included. The time right now is so amazing both with good stuff and challenging stuff. It is ripe with possibilities for friends and families to grow closer and uncover what is truly important for each one of us.
Right now though I offer my hard won knowledge of simply honoring where you are. You don’t need to be anything different than who you are right this minute. Promise… Life is a come as you are party and all feelings are welcome. I believe this to be true or you would not have been gifted with a full range of emotions by Creator. You may be in sadness or despair or joy and happiness or vacillating from one to the other at light speed. I truly get it and I offer that you take a deep breath, let it out and with it all judgments. You might have to do this a few times. Let yourself feel whatever is going on and as much as possible find compassion for yourself. You are a human being on Earth trying to do the best you can like everybody else. I have been taking so many deep breaths lately that at times I was in danger of hyper ventilating : ) So, I present to you in the format of a popular saying “Don’t stay calm... feel whatever you are feeling and breathe on”.
(I got this image off the internet, not sure who created it... I LOVE it! Very accurate!)
I hope that by sharing what I have discovered I might be of service to your heart and that of your friends and families.
See you again soon with lots of creative ideas and more about my upcoming books.
"The crack is where the light enters you" Rumi