I find myself wondering what’s wrong, why do I feel so flat right now. I start looking for problems, overanalyzing situations, what am I not dealing with, what “should” I be doing, what am I denying… Odd I can’t find any real issues. Sure there are things, bits and piece but nothing that’s a big hairy deal. So what’s up I ask myself? My dreams are jumbled, not a lot of help there. I usually get so much clarity from my dreams. My guides and my soul usually speak clearly to me through them. I am usually shown the issue and an old pattern that I need to address. There’s not a lot of clarity in them right now, kind of a mix of events and people. I did have one night before last where I was at Disneyland. I usually have a Disney dream when I need to play more. In the dreams I am not quite able to get to the park, I’m lost or not quite able to find my way through Main Street to my favorite rides. Usually they are telling me I need to find my happy place and play. This time was different. I was in the park and on the rides but it was still not quite flowing easily. I got lost, then found my way again… not totally easy. Ok, I guess that’s the “issue”. I am playing, in the park having fun, yet I am still not quite in the flow, at ease. I am getting lost "in" the park while riding the rides.
In the last three weeks I have met with one of my inspirations, a “shero” who is on board for helping me get my book(s) out, gave me a ton of positive and incredibly valuable feed back. I have homework that I am excited about, goals to hit, two commissioned paintings and experiments in other artistic mediums that are better than I had hoped for. Soooo… why am I not over-the-moon happy?!
In my quiet time this morning, where I check in with Spirit, I asked some better questions than I have been asking in the last week or so. Instead of what’s wrong, what am I not dealing with, I just asked for guidance and help. It became clear I just need some down time. I have been way more social and active than normal lately, busy with friends and projects. I haven’t had a lot of quiet time just for me. I know this seems obvious upon reflection but life has been good, I tell myself a story I should be happy, not flat. I have been busy with good things, people I love, positive feedback on my projects and goals. I can see that I will actually achieve some of my bigger dreams. Why am I not giddy with happiness?!
Maybe because I have been “on” for quite some time.
The older I get the more I understand that I am not quite the extravert I always thought I was (and have been told I was). I have read that extraverts are fed by social settings. They walk away energized by people and events. That doesn’t happen for me. No matter if I love the people I’m with or not I tend to need quiet time in between my “people” sessions. This is surprising news to me. The people I love, I really love! Annddd… I seem to only get recharged when I am quiet with my kitties and in my own space. I can have my partner around but only if I truly have a space/room/area of my own with no to little demands on me. There is something about being totally under everyone’s radar, almost hiding that I seem to need.
This is not an entirely comfortable thing to sit with. I know most of us need quiet time; I just seem to need more. When I am in social settings I have no problem talking and laughing. I am comfortable directing groups of workers, creating large events, and also hosting and leading workshops. I don’t really have an issue being in the spotlight on those rare occasions where that’s happened. I am bubbly and happy and I also have fun at these things… I though this all meant that I am an extravert. Well, startlingly so, I am leaning that is not the case. I have been coming to this conclusion for a while now but it still takes me by surprise. Like these last few days where I have been searching for answers on why I am feeling so off, even as life is so good… “What’s wrong?”. Thanks to my Disney dream and a more open session with Spirit this morning I see I have just been “on” a lot lately. I need to flip the switch and be in “off” mode for a bit. Annnnndddd the other important realization that goes hand in hand with the “off” switch is that I need to not make anything wrong. I just need down time. I don’t have to search for something that is hard, wrong or difficult to justify why I am not bubbling, bouncing and humming along. This is just a normal rhythm for me. In fact the more I worry and search for the reason I am feeling flat the more tangled up in my head I get and the longer it lasts. Instead, I am understanding that this is yet another situation where I get to practice being ok with what is. I’m off… Ok… no biggie. I’m off because I need to be in “off” mode. Wow… I love it when words and phrases sync up like that.
Nothing has to be wrong for me to be feeling “down”. The switch is in the “down” position and I get to be quiet for a while ( he he… another word sync). Wholeness, abundance, balance is being ok with “all” my feelings. Abundance is recognizing the value in all my emotions… and being ok with them just the way they are. Life is the full range of emotions and experiences. I am learning not to loose myself in the challenging times or even in the great times. Life is a spectrum, a balance of everything and it is all ok. Nothing has to mean anything, I only have to allow, flow and breathe. I like that.
Life is actually really good right now… and… I don’t have to be bouncing off the walls because of this. Actually it feels pretty good to know that life is good and its ok to be “off” too. In fact I think as my life ramps up more and more I will need to be very intentional about flipping the switch. Or maybe not, maybe I can just learn to track my feelings more and be ok with whatever they are, do what I need to do without negative judgments. Or maybe no negative OR positive judgments… How about if I just be with the feelings, such as they are, and allow. I think this might be a deeper level of understanding of what being in the flow actually is. Cool!
I also know when I have a Disney dream I need to relax for a bit.
So I am flipping the switch and taking some me time, in my own private Disneyland!
MY magical kingdom!
My life has definitely been an “E” ticket ride so far!!!
Roll soundtrack of Mickey’s adorable laugh!
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